so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
