dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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