i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
