i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
