Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
