I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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