I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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