remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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