they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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