Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
