their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
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My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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