Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
