What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
