the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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