i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
