Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
