Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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