My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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