I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
