I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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