You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
