The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
