Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
