I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
