Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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