I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
