I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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