fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
