The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
