I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize