HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
