just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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