drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
