fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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