Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
