either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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