So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
