Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
