her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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