I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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