Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
