Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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