giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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