Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
