I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
