I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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