I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
