I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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