Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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