The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
