It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
