Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
