I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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