I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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