dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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