just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
