This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Randomize
